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empty love

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(no subject) [Apr. 12th, 2004|11:38 am]
empty love
[mood |pissed offpissed off]
[music |queens of the stone age- you think i ain't worth a dollar..]

i jus don't kno what the fuck is wrong with me at the moment..

anthony and i have fallen out, to put it mildly, over some stupid stuff, cant be assed to go into the ins and outs of why but basically he keeps saying although he hates me more than anyone, he still loves me. i keep changing my mind over whether i feel sorry for what i've done or whether infact it's his problem, not mine and i can't help his reaction. he made me feel really guilty the other day in the car and i actually felt sorry, but now i keep thinking that actually, i did fuck all wrong and it's not up to him to judge me as we're not going out, and he's over exagerating. i duno.
and now he's having to go to counselling. i mean, that gives the rest of the male population hope doesn't it- i go out with someone for 3 and a half months and they have to go into counselling when we break up. i mean, what the fuck is wrong with me?! i'm inclined to blame it on him, but then to be honest, i don't kno why the fuck i was honest in the first place. i didn't have to tell him but i jus did cos i wasn't thinking that it might actually affect him.
gr, i fucking hate relationships, they end up so one sided after a little while: if it's you who is the one who isn't over the other one then that's really shit cos u like them and they don't like you and then you get all depressed and feel rejected, and if it's them who isn't over you, then you wish they'd jus fucking snap out of it and get on with their life and feel all guilty.

i wonder how much revision everyone else has done, too. i jus can't seem to concentrate on anything at the moment, but i don't think i'm the only one, i think a lot of people are a bit down at the moment.

sean came round yesterday, and then i went back to his. it was good, as it took my mind off stuff. well, for a little while anyway. it was weird cos on the way over i saw anthony and did a sudden (illegal) u-turn into a road to go say hi to him, then realised i probably should have jus left it as we ended up in a bit of an awkward silence. my feelings have changed for him, especially over these last few days- although i care for him and do worry that he's ok, i don't like him enough to get back together with him. and that's a mixture of 2 things- the fact i don't want to go out with anyone full stop at all at the moment, and also the fact that i jus don't think we're as right for each other as i first thought.
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i kno everyone hates hearing bout other peoples' dreams.. [Apr. 8th, 2004|11:34 am]
empty love
[mood |worriedworried]
[music |richard hell- blank generation]

but hey, here's mine.
stu and i were walking through a field with some random physics student from sheffield uni who had gingery brown hair (?!) and we got on a train with a girl who's 2yrs below us at school, and she was saying bout how she was running away so she didn't have to do her gcses, and she was planning to move up north and do some qualifications called BTSs which were like gcses..
then stu and i got off the train and we were at the town bridge, but we were the wrong side of it as we were trying to get to school. the weather was hot, so we had the oh-so-bright idea of swimming across the river rather than using the town bridge, so stu went first and reached the other side. i then got in, and all of a sudden it was freezing, and i couldn't move. the under current was so strong it then jus pulled me under the water, and i couldn't do anything, i was trying to move my legs but they jus wouldn't move, and i started to drown. thing is, all the people watching from the sides didn't realise at first that i was actually drowning, and they all started to cheer me on, until they realised that i was actually drowning, and even though i was under the water, i suddenly felt a tugging and i was being hauled out the water.

then my mum woke me up, shrieking bout how i had to give her a lift to work in an hr, then i fell back to sleep. this time i had another dream and sean and i were at chloe's house, but chloe had moved out and an indian family who were sikhs were moving in. sean went into chloe's room, and i was on the stairs, and i started to try and embarrass him by saying stuff like "oh, i bet u don't like it here cos this family isn't white, and you're racist", and then the dad walked out of chloe's living room and thought i was saying i didn't like it, and i was the one being racist, and then i realised that sean wasn't actually in the house, and out of chloe's room came an indian boy, even though i could have sworn it was sean before. then the dad agreed i could go with the family to their temple, and i got in the car.. then i woke up cos the phone rang

weird dreams... if anyone can suggest a meaning for them i'd sure like to hear one! i'm absolutely knacked, jus exercised, and i only got up bout 2hrs ago, and had to throw myself out of bed and drive my car into town to take my mum to work. i really should now go do some revision. i hope noone else has been doing too much :(
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(no subject) [Apr. 7th, 2004|12:42 am]
empty love
[mood |satisfiedsatisfied]
[music |nirvana- verse chorus verse]

sam: "note to self, it seems women dont like it when you tell them they are about to die"


went to sean's earlier, so glad i did. see, stu, things worked out! glad i didn't jus ignore him and actually jus went round..

went to london 2day, got pair of black cords, black sleeveless top saying "lucky 13" on a skull, 6 badges (4 darkness ones for seanny weanny) and black nail varnish.
was a cool day
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(no subject) [Apr. 5th, 2004|12:44 am]
empty love
i still smell of sean. gr.
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(no subject) [Apr. 4th, 2004|11:27 pm]
empty love
[mood |tiredtired]
[music |neil young- heart of gold]

Pixistix- I'm going to name my kids Control, Alt, and Delete.
Pixistix- If they ever get to be a problem I'll just hit them all twice
Pixistix- Problem solved.

lmao, alex gave me that.

what a wkend! i went from not doing anything on friday, sat at home watching top of the pops by myself, drinking malibu and coke to all of a sudden meeting up with chloe at half midnight at the train station, then we decided to go to esquires, so went there. got drunk, altho it was mainly due to medication (argh) and feeling very ill indeed. pulled viv. how wrong.. i literally only did it jus to try make sean jealous, and i guess it was something to do. viv is, and always has been a knob, and he's cut all his long hair off and has little punky spikes and actually *looks* like a knob. he is such a cunt. i blacked out with him and he jus picked me up, dumped me with chloe and his friend pud, told him to look after me and then jus left. i mean, thanks. he goes from kissing me and stuff to then jus dumping me down on the pavement... hm. he is a loser.
spent most of saturday hung over, apologising to sean for hurling abuse at him over the phone. i ended up at his anyway.. like normal really!
saturday evening was then ollie's party at the shed in castle road. i took sean to it! it was fun, even though i didn't kno that many people..

some stupid things people said there:

stu- "you drunk it *neat*?!" (refering to my "neat" red square!)

and something simon said to stu, once i'd gone:

"is kathryn really a double F then?"

yes, simon, ofcourse i'm as big as jordan :P

duno what this week will be like. i've really enjoyed doing fuck all, but really should do some work..
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and before you say it... [Apr. 2nd, 2004|05:47 pm]
empty love
no, i'm not going by myself. it's not safe really, seeing as i'd have to walk there and back, or walk over to the taxi place by myself. hm, parents wouldn't let me.

besides, who wants to look like a desperate loser? if i went by myself i'd end up not talking to anyone or dancing, and sobering up! and it's no fun if there's noone else to laugh with whilst u attempt to dance
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i actually need more friends [Apr. 2nd, 2004|03:48 pm]
empty love
[mood |pissed offpissed off]
[music |nirvana- spank thru]

first time in weeks that i feel like going out, and noone is free/wants to.

i guess another friday of staying in watching top of the pops! wanted to go to esquires downstairs, to the club night. i guess noone's up for drunken dancing then..
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(no subject) [Apr. 2nd, 2004|12:58 am]
empty love
[mood |tiredtired]
[music |nirvana- if you must]

i've had an alright day, tonight was quite fun, i spent it at sean's. racist or not, he's fucking gorgeous. even if his views are slightly worrying (in my view). still, i tease him bout it, and he insists he doesn't mean it how i took it (riiiight). i duno. i can't tell where i'm sposed to stand with this. am i sposed to "stand up for what i believe in", or am i jus making a big deal out of this?

dad knocked my drink all over the keyboard today and blamed *me*.. ok, so it was my drink but HE knocked it over! i had it well away from the computer. grr..

had good chat with my mum bout stuff. felt like i was ruining the moment as she was celebrating getting a new job earlier.. ah well.

got a stupid stomach ache, think it's the medication i'm on that's causing it.
drinking malibu and coke to try and coax it back into its hole, wherever it came from but it's hurting. i think i've put back on the 2lbs i lost over the last couple of days too probably.. :( feck off, hurt.

i think i'm going out 2mro evening, but when, where and with whom i have yet to establish.

i really need new clothes.. i want to go in the cool new charity shop that's opened near don millers, but i haven't been into town for aaaages. not sure that i'm up to going either at the moment. i'm sposed to be going to london next week to look at KCL uni before i make it my first choice, so i might pop over to camden if i feel like it.

peace out, dudes.
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ok, i'm bored and have jus stolen this from simon's journal.. [Mar. 30th, 2004|10:40 am]
empty love
A Quiz

The Generic Teenager Stereotype

Do you drink [alcohol]?: yes

Do you party a lot? How often?: everyday's a party at my house!

Do you use drugs for recreational purposes?: i'm high right now.. on love

How often do you use the word like in an average hour?: like, way too many times for my liking. actually, i do hate the fucking word, it's pointless

Do you skip classes? How often?: not exactly "skip" them, i don't go if i don't feel well.. tho i guess sometimes everyone's allowed to take liberties :)

Do you have casual sex? Protected?: no

Do you steal?: no

Do you wear inappropriate clothing?: not really

Do you drool over celebrities?: no

Do you watch a lot of TV?: no

Do you ever watch the News?: yes, after the simpsons :)

Do you even care about world issues?: yes

Do you read books often?: not as often as i should, but i do like to

Are you failing a lot of your classes?: no

Do you spend most of your time with your friends?: yes

Do you smoke cigarettes?: no

Do you hang out a lot in malls, or at Seven Elevens?: not anymore. i kno what a "mall" is, but what the hell is a "seven eleven"?!

Do you often find yourself with a crush on someone?: yes

Do you cuss a lot?: not a lot, but i do

Are you desperate to fit in?: no

Are you intelligent?: lol, i guess i'm not stupid

The Goth Stereotype

Black lipstick?: no

Black eyeliner?: every day!

Black eyeshadow?: no

Black trenchcoat?: lol, no

Black boots?: yes

Black fishnets?: yes

Black nail polish?: yes, unless i've run out- i'm wearing disgusting *pink* at the moment, yay!

Cigarettes?: no

Heavy metal music?: yes

Marilyn Manson?: yes

Kittie?: no

Cradle of Filth?: yes

Constant frown and perpetual angst?: no.

Do you like to be seen as: as....?

Are you an intellectual?: i duno, pretentious maybe

An atheist?: no

Horrible home life?: no

Hopelessly depressed?: no

Self-mutilation?: according to my mum, the way i peel skin off my fingers is that..

The Punk Stereotype

Plaid?: no

Big black boots?: yes

Mohawk?: no, but that'd be cool!

Excessive piercings? [Especially facial]: i have some, not excessive. 1 in mouth, 2 in ear

Loud, confident and opinionated?: when i'm in the mood. i'd say i can be very argumentive and opinionated. i go thru phases of loudness and confidence

Wild hair colors?: have done before, i'm thinking of maybe pink streaks again

NOFX?: they're alright, not bothered tho

Rancid?: ditto

Well versed on political scandals and outrages?: i am on certain political issues

A: b,c,d,e,f...

The Jock Sterotype

What's your IQ?: er well i did an IQ test the other day and apparently it's 138, but i think realistically it's lower than that

Do you watch a lot of sports?: no, but i enjoyed the rugby the other day (ireland vs scotland)

Play a lot of sports?: no, i can't! :P

Talk a lot about sports?: all the fucking time!

Do you do anything, really, but think about sports?: Yes.

Are you arrogant?: probably, but not totally.. i hope

Are you a male or female whore?: no

Are you homophobic?: no!

Do you tease other people a lot because you want to seem confident?: no

But really you're a quivering mass of insecurity?: yes!

Boobs = i do admit i possess a pair

Parties = nowt wrong with a bit of shin-diggery

Dropping out of high school and flipping burgers = only veggie burgers thanks..

The Girl Stereotype

Do you spend a lot of time on your appearance?: not a lot, but a fair amount

Have you ever been on a diet?: *loses count*

How much did you lose?: 20 stone

Was it not so much a diet as it was an eating disorder?: no

Make yourself throw up?: only the once, it was horrible

Make-up?: yes

Low-cut tops?: not really

How big are your boobies? [Cup size]: FF. or wait, was that jordan or me?

Do you flip your hair when you talk, even if you don't realize it?: yes, it's constantly in the way for starters

Giggle a lot?: yes, tho i would say "laugh" not "giggle"

What's the deal with boys?: *points and laughs*

Thongs?: yes, half my underwear are them now, my mum bought me a multipack for xmas..

Pretty bras?: some of them are quite pretty

YM, Teen, Cosmo, et al?: i like to laugh at them

Who's the weaker sex?: neither

Are you a feminist?: no, but i can identify with issues some raise. altho i think feminism itself is ironic more than anything

Do you think Brad Pitt is hot?: no

How often do you shave your legs?: often

How about your armpits?: same, i hate body hair

Are you emotional?: yes, but no more than anyone else..

Especially when on your period?: probably more so, depends from month to month..

This Or That:

Originality or Acceptance?: originality i spose

Independence or Companionship?: at the moment, independence, tho i wouldn't want jus one of them

Stability or Freedom?: freedom, but both! *repetitive*

Personal or Interpersonal?: both.

Introvert or Extrovert?: In between.

Popularity or Isolation?: either.

Unique or Loved?: i duno?

Understood or Individual?: both

You or Them?: me

How Stereotypical You Are... brought to you by BZOINK!
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(no subject) [Mar. 30th, 2004|10:15 am]
empty love
[mood |draineddrained]
[music |nirvana- even in his youth]

i went round james' house last night.. ooh, what a mistake. i say that as we ended up having a fight and i got strawberry icecream tipped into my hair.. yuk
i got in at nearly midnight, so i couldn't wash it (would have woken my mum up) so it's still scraped back into a ponytail at the moment! and it's pretty hard

mmmmm, hard hair

got rejected from durham, lol- knew they wouldn't let me in. fuck em, don't give a shit

royal holloway offered me a place tho, so that's cool. but there's only 2 place i like so far out of the ones i've got offers from- kings college and brum

god i have so many jobs to do round the house, so much time and yet so little energy to do them.. someone want to come round and do the washing up for me? or indeed fix our stupid shitty non working dishwasher?
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